


Hidden Strenghts

by padfootagain



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 19:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16980054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: You have never told Ben about the panic attacks you have been having since you were a teenager. But when he finds out, how will react?





	Hidden Strenghts

**Author's Note:**

> This was asked for an event on tumblr with the prompts :  
> 28\. “You look so confident, but I bet that inside, you’re trembling.”  
> 50\. “You look like you’re strong but I know you’re as fragile as glass, and I’m scared to break you.”  
> Hope you like it!

It was something familiar now. The rush of too much adrenaline through your body, your hands suddenly cold as ice, your heart racing, palpitations messing up with the little beating organ in your chest, the nauseas, the difficulty to breathe, the tears you couldn’t control that fell like they would never stop…

You were used to recognize the first signs. Just your heart speeding too much, your breathing becoming more laboured… You had become an expert really. You knew how to fight it, how to calm yourself down whenever this wave of uncontrolled fear rushed upon you. Breathing deep, focusing on little things, thinking of something calming. You also had recorded the sound of the ocean with your phone, and the peaceful and hushed sound of the waves helped you a lot.

It could happen because there were too many people around you, because your were under too much stress or for no reason at all. Sometimes it would just happen in random places, coming out of the blue.

It was annoying to say the least, but you had faced these crisis since your adolescence, and you had grown to learn to live with them. You were just careful at not placing yourself into a situation that would enhance the risks of you starting to panic. Panic attacks were not always easy to live with, but at least it wasn’t dangerous enough to kill you. You reckoned it was something quite positive.

But if you had no problem with this side of you, you were always nervous at the idea of telling someone you were subject to such crisis. Because some people saw in that some kind of weakness and would stop talking to you. Some other gave you gazes full of pity, and you hated it. You didn’t want people to act differently with you, giving you those eyes as if they were afraid you would break down right before them.

Which was why you hadn’t told your boyfriend about all that yet.

Ben and you had been together for three months now, you often came to his flat, spent almost all your nights with him, both of you preparing breakfast in the morning. It was different from all the other relationships you had ever had. You felt so strange when he was around. It felt like his mere presence could make the sun shine brighter, like all your problems vanished. He made you laugh more than anyone had ever managed to. He listened to you talking about your day of work, and told you crazy stories about his trips. He was reassuring. He was caring and probably the kindest man you had ever met.

If he was so wonderful, why were you terrified at the idea of telling him about these panic attacks?

You were scared of his reaction. You had grown so attached already… if you were honest with yourself, you would admit that you had fallen in love with him. And what if he didn’t want to have to deal with that? What if he was ashamed of you because of it? What if he broke up with you?

Yes he was sweet and gentle with you, but you were still scared that he wouldn’t understand.

You could hear him singing softly in the kitchen as he prepared dinner for the two of you, while you finished to work. You had quite a lot of pressure put onto your shoulders by your boss these days. But for now you managed to keep up the pace and you just hoped you could keep doing so.

You massaged your temples, trying to chase your headache away.

“Love,” Ben called from the kitchen, “have you brought these spices I asked you to buy?”

Your eyes grew wide and you flinched.

Ooops…

“I completely forgot,” you admitted. “Sorry…”

He laughed, walking into the living room, throwing the dishcloth on his shoulder.

“It’s alright,” he reassured you, letting himself fall on the sofa next to you, grabbing a magazine. “I bet it’s your work. They’re asking too much of you, you shouldn’t be working so hard.”

“It’s just for a few days,” you said.

He kissed your brow.

“Still, you shouldn’t put so much pressure upon yourself about it,” he said, starting to read.

“What are you cooking?” you asked as the first scent of food reached you.

“Lasagnas.”

Your stomach made a little noise at the thought, making both Ben and you laugh.

“I’m glad you like my cooking,” he said with a smirk.

“It’s very good,” you nodded.

“It’s almost ready though, you’re going to have to stop soon,” he said. “I just let them cook for five more minutes.”

You nodded, starting to save and close your documents. Until one of the files disappeared…

Your eyes grew wide in horror, you had spent hours working on this, you were supposed to present it before all your colleagues tomorrow morning and you would never have time to do it again in just one night, that was it, you were dead, you were going to be fired…

You heaved a relieved sigh when you realized the file was just hidden, but not closed, and you saved it before turning off your laptop.

Although, it had scared you and stressed you a lot. Like a _lot…_

You closed your eyes.

Your heart was beating more erratically, your breathing growing messy…

And Ben was right next to you.

You took a deep breath, and slowly rose from the sofa.

“You’re okay, love?” Ben asked softly, noticing your strange behaviour.

“Yeah, just gonna pass some water on my face. Headache,” you said, struggling to get the words pass your lips.

You hurried into his bathroom, closing the door behind you, and you rested your hands upon the sink, holding the edge so tightly that your knuckles turned white and your fingers quickly grew painful.

You breathed deeply in and out, trying to calm down your heart as it was beating faster and in a messier way every second. You focused on your breathing.

Breathe in… and out… In, and out… In…

You felt tears wetting the corners of your eyes, That wasn’t the moment to have this kind of full crisis, you forced yourself to focus again.

Breathed in, and out… In, and out… In, and out…

Calming thoughts… Ben smiling, the sunset on the beach, a puppy…

The tears started to stream down your face, and you choked. You tried to breathe deeply, but your head started to spin, so you immediately sat down against the wall behind you.

Breathe in… and out…in…and out…

Your hands felt like they had been plunged in cold water.You choked again, loudly this time. Loudly enough for Ben to hear.

“Love? Are you okay?” he asked, and you heard him walk closer to the door.

You couldn’t answer, your throat was too tight. You could feel it was a big one. Sometimes you managed to stop it before you would cry, but this time… this time you couldn’t stop. You could slow it down and make it not last for too long, but that was all.

Your head was spinning again, and you closed your eyes more tightly, breathing deeply, remembering the advises your doctor had given you.

“Y/N?” Ben asked again, knocking on the door.

You sobbed loudly in response.

“Y/N!”

His voice was more worried now, scared even. He tried the doorknob, but the door was not locked.

Shit…

“Y/N…”

But he froze at the sight of you sitting on the ground, struggling to breathe, tears flowing down your cheeks, and for a moment, he merely looked at you with eyes wide with both fear and shock.

Finally he shook himself, and came kneeling next to you, fear painted all over his handsome face.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” he asked with a trembling voice. “Are you sick? Do you want me to take you see a doctor?”

But you shook your head, focusing on your breathing again.

In… out… in… out…

“It’s not because of me, right?” he asked softly. “You’re not crying because of me?”

You smiled despite your tears, and you shook your head.

“Love, it looks like you’re having some kind of… panic attack or something,” he said softly.

You guessed that it was useless now to hide it from him, so you nodded slowly.

He hesitated, before rubbing your arm reassuringly. Although, you could see that he didn’t really know what he was doing. Clearly he was afraid of making things worse.

“I just… need… to be… alone,” you hiccupped.

He intensely looked at you.

“I don’t think so,” he replied, sitting next to you, still rubbing your arm.

“I’m… used to it.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that I won’t leave you alone,” he said softly, although his tone was firm, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to make him change his mind. _“You look so confident, but I bet that inside, you’re trembling.”_

You looked at him for a few seconds, before he would wrap his arms around you. His hold was gentle and he soothingly stroke the back of your head, kissing your forehead.

“Calm down, it’s okay,” he whispered, and it was the first time that someone’s voice was enough to make your heart slow down. “Breathe with me.”

He took a deep breath, and you imitated him, copying the rhythm of his slow breathing, your chests rising and falling in perfect sync.

You had always dealt with these panic attacks on your own, fleeing the rest of the world. Having someone by your side had never been useful before. It was just annoying, to have someone talking to you, and asking you questions and it prevented you to focus and calm down. But somehow, you felt better with Ben holding you, as if his strong arms were some kind of shields, his embrace a warm and comfortable cocoon that made you forget about the world outside his arms.

You both remained there for a long while, sitting on the bathroom floor. He didn’t speak and you were grateful for it. He merely held you against him, stroking your hair, shushing you when you were shaken by a sob or when your breathing lost its rhythm again. Eventually, you stopped crying, and felt your heart beat with a regular pattern again, your breathing calmer now.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked softly, kissing the top of your head.

You nodded.

“What happened?” he asked.

But you shrugged.

“Sometimes it happens without real reason.”

“It often happens then?”

You nodded again.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have panic attacks?”

You shrugged once more.

“It’s not because I did something that upset you, right?” he asked, worried now.

“No, of course not,” you reassured me.

“Since when do you have this kind of attacks?”

“Adolescence.”

“I see.”

You looked up at him, drying your cheeks with your sleeves.

“You think I’m weird?” you asked, a defiant glint in your eyes.

But Ben frowned hard.

“Of course not,” he said, helping you to dry your cheeks. “It’s okay.”

He narrowed his eyes, staring intensely at you.

“Is that why you didn’t tell me?” he asked, his dark eyes studying your reactions. “You were afraid of how I could react?”

You looked down at the ground, nodding sheepishly. He was making it sound so stupid… But to you it wasn’t stupid at all.

He took your face in both his hands, and forced you to look up at him again, making you dive in his dark chocolate eyes.

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “I’m not going to change the way I’m behaving with you, unless you want me to. I’ll still see the same strong girl who hides our weaknesses in you. I’ll still hold you as gently as I do now. Because deep down, I’ve always known… _You look like you’re strong but I know you’re as fragile as glass, and I’m scared to break you.”_

You felt tears coming back into your eyes, although these ones were not a result of a panic attack.

No one had ever told you these kind of words before…

“I’m still going to try to look after you, and I’m still going to protect you whenever I can,” Ben went on, his dark eyes glued to yours. “It’s okay, just… tell me if I’m doing something wrong, okay? And don’t… don’t hide from me when this happens. Maybe I can help. I’m willing to help anyway.”

You gave him a tender smile, nodding slowly.

“I’m sorry,” you breathed.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he replied.

“You did help,” you admitted.

“See, I can cook lasagnas and even play the nurse.”

You laughed.

“Speaking of lasagnas, I think our food must be burning.”

“Pizzas?” Ben proposed. “It’s still Italian food.”

You laughed again.

“Okay,” you nodded.

But he held you close to him again, nursing your head in his large palm.

“Is there anything else you don’t dare to tell me?” he asked.

You shook your head.

“Don’t hide things from me,” he said, looking down at you. “Everyone has weaknesses, there’s no need to hide them from me. I want to love everything in you.”

A gentle smile appeared on his face.

“Besides… I bet there are lots of hidden strengths in you that I haven’t discovered yet.”

You smiled back at him.

“I bet there are, yes,” you nodded.

You rested your brow against his.

“Thank you, Ben,” you whispered.

“Anytime, love,” he answered, holding you a bit more tightly against him. “Can you stand?”

You nodded, and he helped you to stand up.

“I’m starving,” he said, heaving a sigh.

“Me too.”

“Let’s call for this pizza…”

You smiled, sitting on the sofa while Ben was grabbing his phone.

“That was a bad evening for you,” he said, sitting next to you, “I guess we can open this ice cream I was keeping in the fridge.”

You laughed, cuddling against him.

“You should stop the lasagnas too,” you pointed out.

“Let them burn, they’re wasted anyway,” he shrugged, wrapping his arm around your waist. “Besides… now I have you in my arms, there’s no way I’ll move for burnt lasagnas.”

You laughed, kissing his cheek, his beard tickling your lips.

“You’re amazing, you know?” you said softly, and your voice was so earnest that Ben looked down at you, stopping his search for the number of the pizzeria.

You exchanged a grin. And there was so much love in his eyes, he didn’t need to say these three words for you to understand how he felt.

“You’re the amazing one here, love.”


End file.
